Sending the right message

Many times when I am not happy about someone's actions, I tend to associate the action with the person and send the message across that the action is more important to me than the person itself. That is something I need to change about myself.

I think all of us have to remind ourselves to address the action, and not the actor. If we comment about just the action, but still truly care for the person from the bottom of our hearts, we send the right message across: "I know you can do better!" Whereas if we make a conclusion about the person based on his action, then we are actually saying "You are no good. I don't want to trust you", and the next thing that we will see happen is losing their trust and confidence.

I was reading Stephen Covey's '8th Habit' and I found one of his tips to give sincere feedback helpful. He suggests that when we give feedback on a negative action, it is good to talk about ourself and how we internally feel about the action. This is what he calls the 'I messages'. The opposite is the 'You messages' - exactly the wrong thing to do.

You probably know how it feels when you have sent 'You messages' - miserable, after you realize that you just fed your ego.