Self-Deception Live!

An interesting experience to share...

I had been reading Stephen Covey's "8th Habit" for the last month or so and I discovered fr myself a new meaning to this word "Trust." I could relate to the new ideas because much of my recent experiences in life were very relevant to "trust". And I wanted to share my discovery with all my friends. I prepared for a study circle very enthusiastically putting into it quite a bit of time and effort and was looking forward to hear what people thought about the topic, and also introduce to them what the book taught me. The first week was exam week. No one turned up. It was just me and one other person. I didn't feel bad because I expected it. I might have probably done the same if I were a student. The subsequent week was sandwich making and many were able to attend, but none could stay back for study circle which followed. That's OK, I told myself. This week was my third attempt in vain with no one showing up once again. This time, it was frustrating for me. I could think of nothing but blame!

"You can bring water to a horse, but you cannot make it drink!" was what went in my mind. "All I can do is ask people to come, and collectively improve the study circle if it is not good enough for everyone. It's not like I am the only one responsible for it. If people want something out of it, they would want to come and make it better. If they aren't bothered too much about it, why am I to blame?" My thoughts were all the while trying to justify my actions. I was looking for reasons to prove that the others were wrong.

And then in a flash, I just realized I was "in the box" with the whole group!

I don't know if you guys have read this book, but I'll tell you - it is a must read. It is titled "Leadership and Self-Deception - Getting out of the Box", and it is from the Arbinger Institute. I don't know if I will do justice by summarizing what "in-the-box" is about, but I'll try.

When you are "in the box", you see the external world as mere objects rather than as people who have the same needs and feelings as you. You stop focusing on the results you want to achieve and rather, you begin to focus on how to prove yourself and your actions - just like I did in my story. You tend to inflate other's faults and your own virtues. Even when there is scope for improvement on your end, your mind is blind to it because all you are trying to do is to justify yourself. And worst of all, you don't know you are "in the box".

And this leads to what the authors call 'collusion' - a chain reaction. You get in the box - You start blaming others - You force others in their box - They start justifying their actions and blame you - They repeat their actions which justifies your blame even further. This cycle continues and it gets to a point when you actually begin to want them to fail, so that you become correct! And the end result: the goal which both of us wanted to reach is not a goal anymore; rather, proving ourselves right becomes our primary objective. And we are what? A total mess.

And all this happens because of what the authors call 'self-betrayal' and it is our problem, not anyone else's. I don't want to spoil the book for you here, so if you would like to know more, go get the book. I can see similar situations so many times in my life and this experience is one instance where I realized I was indeed in the box. And getting to know when you are inside really helps. And the book tells you more - how to get out of it too!

Sending the right message

Many times when I am not happy about someone's actions, I tend to associate the action with the person and send the message across that the action is more important to me than the person itself. That is something I need to change about myself.

I think all of us have to remind ourselves to address the action, and not the actor. If we comment about just the action, but still truly care for the person from the bottom of our hearts, we send the right message across: "I know you can do better!" Whereas if we make a conclusion about the person based on his action, then we are actually saying "You are no good. I don't want to trust you", and the next thing that we will see happen is losing their trust and confidence.

I was reading Stephen Covey's '8th Habit' and I found one of his tips to give sincere feedback helpful. He suggests that when we give feedback on a negative action, it is good to talk about ourself and how we internally feel about the action. This is what he calls the 'I messages'. The opposite is the 'You messages' - exactly the wrong thing to do.

You probably know how it feels when you have sent 'You messages' - miserable, after you realize that you just fed your ego.

Transformation

Last week's study circle question was about how Sai Baba has transformed my life. I did not speak out, but I did think about it a bit.

I have never had any close interactions with Swami, nor have I witnessed any of his miracles. To be honest, I have not read any of his books fully. Most of his teachings I learned come from listening to people around me. I am not really attached to his form, and I don't try to judge whether or not he is God (I don't think there is any point in trying to do that). Yet, I have immense respect for this being.

In the last three years, I can see that I have changed a ton. My way of thinking, my attitude towards life, my self-confidence has had an extreme makeover! I have never ever believed in my abilities as much as I believe in them today. Three years ago, I did not imagine I would achieve as much as I have today. And I truly feel that there is a lot more I have to deliver. I can see myself as a wonderful creation of God, placed on this earth with all the resources I need to do my job. And I can feel the dormant, limitless energy of possibility within. All this has been the way it is because of the company of wonderful people whose eyes have reflected a lot of goodness within myself I have never seen before. One thing is for sure. This bunch of good people to look up to has been there for me because of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. And I am thankful for that!

My salute goes out to each and everyone including YOU who have made an unforgettable impression in my life.