Self-Deception Live!

An interesting experience to share...

I had been reading Stephen Covey's "8th Habit" for the last month or so and I discovered fr myself a new meaning to this word "Trust." I could relate to the new ideas because much of my recent experiences in life were very relevant to "trust". And I wanted to share my discovery with all my friends. I prepared for a study circle very enthusiastically putting into it quite a bit of time and effort and was looking forward to hear what people thought about the topic, and also introduce to them what the book taught me. The first week was exam week. No one turned up. It was just me and one other person. I didn't feel bad because I expected it. I might have probably done the same if I were a student. The subsequent week was sandwich making and many were able to attend, but none could stay back for study circle which followed. That's OK, I told myself. This week was my third attempt in vain with no one showing up once again. This time, it was frustrating for me. I could think of nothing but blame!

"You can bring water to a horse, but you cannot make it drink!" was what went in my mind. "All I can do is ask people to come, and collectively improve the study circle if it is not good enough for everyone. It's not like I am the only one responsible for it. If people want something out of it, they would want to come and make it better. If they aren't bothered too much about it, why am I to blame?" My thoughts were all the while trying to justify my actions. I was looking for reasons to prove that the others were wrong.

And then in a flash, I just realized I was "in the box" with the whole group!

I don't know if you guys have read this book, but I'll tell you - it is a must read. It is titled "Leadership and Self-Deception - Getting out of the Box", and it is from the Arbinger Institute. I don't know if I will do justice by summarizing what "in-the-box" is about, but I'll try.

When you are "in the box", you see the external world as mere objects rather than as people who have the same needs and feelings as you. You stop focusing on the results you want to achieve and rather, you begin to focus on how to prove yourself and your actions - just like I did in my story. You tend to inflate other's faults and your own virtues. Even when there is scope for improvement on your end, your mind is blind to it because all you are trying to do is to justify yourself. And worst of all, you don't know you are "in the box".

And this leads to what the authors call 'collusion' - a chain reaction. You get in the box - You start blaming others - You force others in their box - They start justifying their actions and blame you - They repeat their actions which justifies your blame even further. This cycle continues and it gets to a point when you actually begin to want them to fail, so that you become correct! And the end result: the goal which both of us wanted to reach is not a goal anymore; rather, proving ourselves right becomes our primary objective. And we are what? A total mess.

And all this happens because of what the authors call 'self-betrayal' and it is our problem, not anyone else's. I don't want to spoil the book for you here, so if you would like to know more, go get the book. I can see similar situations so many times in my life and this experience is one instance where I realized I was indeed in the box. And getting to know when you are inside really helps. And the book tells you more - how to get out of it too!

Sending the right message

Many times when I am not happy about someone's actions, I tend to associate the action with the person and send the message across that the action is more important to me than the person itself. That is something I need to change about myself.

I think all of us have to remind ourselves to address the action, and not the actor. If we comment about just the action, but still truly care for the person from the bottom of our hearts, we send the right message across: "I know you can do better!" Whereas if we make a conclusion about the person based on his action, then we are actually saying "You are no good. I don't want to trust you", and the next thing that we will see happen is losing their trust and confidence.

I was reading Stephen Covey's '8th Habit' and I found one of his tips to give sincere feedback helpful. He suggests that when we give feedback on a negative action, it is good to talk about ourself and how we internally feel about the action. This is what he calls the 'I messages'. The opposite is the 'You messages' - exactly the wrong thing to do.

You probably know how it feels when you have sent 'You messages' - miserable, after you realize that you just fed your ego.

Transformation

Last week's study circle question was about how Sai Baba has transformed my life. I did not speak out, but I did think about it a bit.

I have never had any close interactions with Swami, nor have I witnessed any of his miracles. To be honest, I have not read any of his books fully. Most of his teachings I learned come from listening to people around me. I am not really attached to his form, and I don't try to judge whether or not he is God (I don't think there is any point in trying to do that). Yet, I have immense respect for this being.

In the last three years, I can see that I have changed a ton. My way of thinking, my attitude towards life, my self-confidence has had an extreme makeover! I have never ever believed in my abilities as much as I believe in them today. Three years ago, I did not imagine I would achieve as much as I have today. And I truly feel that there is a lot more I have to deliver. I can see myself as a wonderful creation of God, placed on this earth with all the resources I need to do my job. And I can feel the dormant, limitless energy of possibility within. All this has been the way it is because of the company of wonderful people whose eyes have reflected a lot of goodness within myself I have never seen before. One thing is for sure. This bunch of good people to look up to has been there for me because of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. And I am thankful for that!

My salute goes out to each and everyone including YOU who have made an unforgettable impression in my life.

Who is a leader?

A leader is a servant.

-A truth I learnt last week.

So what do you think about me!

It is amazing to see how much effort each of us put in in our lives to change or retain others perception of our identity. Most often this is what seems to be driving my life; but the reality as I understand is that, this is exactly what blocks me from being true to myself and utilizing my fullest capacity.

This idea was touched upon by Soumya and Swami earlier in their study circles, but I am just beginning to understand with a broader meaning now.

Most of our energy I think is spent on trying to create, retain or change others' opinions about us rather than just doing an action for its sake. We always seek for appreciation and praise. I think this is because in reality, we really don't know who we really are and what we are actually capable of. Hence we base our identity on what others think about us. If you really knew who you were, you really wouldn't care a penny for what the other person has to say about you.

When someone says something about me, I tend to measure and rate myself. This is precisely where I think I am wrong because each of us is an immeasurable, limitless creation. When someone says I am good, I limit myself to that amount of what seems "good", and I stop to see the possibility of anything beyond that. When someone says I am "bad", I bind myself to that opinion and am forced into the illusion that I do not have it in me. When we react to other's opinions whether good or bad, we consciously allow THEIR opinion to become OUR reality.

The Divine is never affected by what others have to say because He never takes credit for His actions. When the action is not Mine, why bother to measure?

Wisdom Flash

My aunt pointed me to a very beautiful website full of flash animations with inspirational messages.

http://www.consciousone.com/wisdomflash/

Some of my best were "Live your Passion" and "Illusion vs. Truth". Take a peek!

Discipline vs. Non-Judgement

I would like to share with you a very nice email conversation I had with Soumya a few days ago. about discipline vs. non-judgment. Before I say anything, let me present you the conversation.

Vish:
A question has been lingering in my mind, and I've been seeking an answer for a while now, but it still has remained. I just want to share it with you.

An aspect of good leadership is making sure that the team maintains discipline. Discipline is very important so that the group stays focused on its task. Not everyone can do everything, so it is important that the best people do it. People who are responsible for getting things done should be disciplined and ensure that they deliver what is expected of them.

The other facet of (not necessarily exclusive to) leadership is being non-judgmental about the people we work with. It is our reposibility to ensure that each and everyone brings their best to the table, and let God work through them. This is best done when there is no fear of failure and when people are non-judgemental. We should let the person be whoever he/she is by accepting them from within our hearts and enjoy the God within them.

The problem I see here is that we cannot really make sure there is discipline without being judgemental of others. If once we find that there is no discipline, we have already judged haven't we?

How can I see God in people and say that "The person (who is God) is not perfect yet" at the same time? But then, if I don't do that, am I not being ignorant of the task to complete, thus failing in the arena of discipline?

I find this question relating to many aspects in life. Bhajan singing. If I don't really adore someone else's singing, am I not being judgmental? The problem is with me, is it not? But at the same time, only when good singers sing and discipline is followed do bhajans achieve their collective purpose.

In a team project, if we find that a member does not contribute up to what we think is his best constantly, what do we do? We have two options: 1. Be ignorant, and you can still see the God in him. 2. Talk to him about it. But then, you have judged the person now.

How can we achieve discipline and non-judgment at the same time?

Soumya:
You have hit on the exact problem of parenthood, which is a very specific form of leadership. This is a problem that I have grappled with all these years and I have made some progress but I'm really still working on this.

First of all, I think that one of the main lessons of leadership is that, from the leader's point of view, the exercise is really for you to learn how to lead and the path is the particular project. If we think that the project is really the outcome and the path is for us to learn, I believe that we will have trouble. This understanding helps because we can then strive for the best possible project outcome but at the same time be detached about the project outcome.

Secondly, I think that whatever trait we are trying to inculcate into the others, we must examine that we are doing it to our utmost.

Thirdly, what to do about when we see deficiencies? I think that people don't perform up to a certain standard when they don't inherently believe that they can. As a leader, pushing them is important, not just to get the project done, but to show them something that they don't believe in themselves. I think that then you are truly not judging. You are not saying, "Look, you can't do this; you aren't disciplined", etc. You are actually saying, "You may not believe you are capable of discipline, but I'll show you that you are!" This is what really good teachers do to you--they force you to strive harder and push you till you believe you can. It is kind of like what a personal trainer does--when you don't think you can run another lap, he forces you to.

All of this is possible only when you see the larger picture that the project is the path for you to develop as a person who visualizes other people as better than they presently appear to be and for the workers to develop the different skills and abilities and character required by the project. It can really only happen when everyone strives but the outcome of the project is left in God's hands.


Every time things don't happen like the way we think it is supposed to, we visualize people as incapable. We stop believing in their ability. Our presumption about them starts to haunt us. That is precisely what judgment is. Instead, if we continue to set examples of how to do the job the best possible way and be the happiest people on earth, there are very few ways to motivate them better! The most important thing is that deep down in your heart you should believe that they can do it. That is the way you see the God in them. A 'deficiency' to you will naturally not seem like one. It will seem like an opportunity to motivate people. Even if there is just a little bit of uncertainty in your mind in the first place, you have absolutely no reason to inspire them to believe in themselves.

Soumya's reply inspired me to compose this poem.

First Believe in Thy heart,
cause Thou nature art God;
Then inspire Thy neighbor to Believe in his,
cause he often forgets he art God too;
But only after Thou start Believing in him,
cause he will see the God within - only using Thy eyes!

"Balance'" your thoughts

Divinity is reached by the absence of thought in one's mind. Is that the only way, or is it possible to realize Divinity from a "balance" in thought? Then what exactly does this "balance" mean?

I think it means acceptance of what happens around us, and taking it at face value. Usually in our minds, one thought triggers another, which triggers a second one and so on. If we observe carefully, our thought processes are more or less like a network, one leading to another and another, sometimes back to where we started from and is sometimes a complete mess. The more such triggering, the more chaos and worrisome our mind gets. The lesser this chain reaction of thoughts, the more peaceful and happy it is.

The idea is to make this network of thoughts simpler and simpler and less deeper as we progress in our life. This is what I believe is "balancing" of thoughts.

"Balancing" thoughts will slowly lead to times when there is a momentary absence of thought, and that is when we feel peace. And the more often we experience this so called peace, the more closer we are towards Divinity.

Conclusion: When you are thinking too much, stop! And Act. There is no better way to stop your thoughts than acting. After all what is Love? Isn't it action where necessary without thought? It is not a feeling or emotion which basically starts from a thought.

Two wonderful analogies

Last weekend, I was in a conversation with Manmohan uncle and he shared with me two very interesting analogies about divinity.

I was asking him why we should go through material life to realize God in oursleves. Why should we succeed in our job? Why should we marry? Why should we have kids? By involving in these material activities, we just increase our desires and attachments. Do we really gain anything?

As an answer he gave a wonderful analogy. A tiny little fish in the Pacific once had a desire to see the ocean, not knowing that it fact lives in one. It asks all the marine creatures that come in its way big and small, but none of them knew the answer. Finally, it came across a wise fish which said, "You can do this two ways. You can either jump out of the water and then take a look at the ocean and die, or, you can come to believe and understand that each and everything around you is in fact the ocean and continue to live by enjoying its beauty and wonder."

We as humans like the tiny fish seek to know divinity not realizing that it is just within ourselves and everywhere around us. To realize it, we can either live a life of an ascetic without any material attachment to anything which may perhaps result in death. Or otherwise, we can continue to live admiring everything around us with all our heart and soul, acting out of love each and every time by understanding that we are in everything around us! We are all one and the same Divine self!

Another analogy he shared with me stuck hard on my head. He said, "If I give a rose to your right hand, would it be happy?".

"Yes, why not?", I replied.

"Is your left hand jealous or disappointed because it didnt get one?"

I began to understand what he wanted to convey, and nodded on. His next few questiosn were really thought provoking.

"If someone hurt your right hand badly, would your left hand stay put?". "Do you think it would first check with the right hand to see if it really needs help before trying to soothe the hurt?"

Of course not! Then why do we need to check with anyone if he or she needs help. We need ACT, and ACT quickly without second thoughts! Each of us is like an arm to our source which we call God. And each arm does what it has to do. No ifs. No buts. Period.

If the left arm hurts the right arm, who is the loser?

A study circle topic

Last night, I was reading this section from the Wayne Dyer book about how to decontaminate your environment from negative energy. Dyer talks about an Eight Point Plan of Decontamination suggested my Mother Teresa of Calcutta. It just occurred to me that it would be interesting to have a study circle on it.

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone may destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, people may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, it the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway."

There was another quote by William Butler Yeats in the same book which also stuck to my head. It goes as follows:

"At certain moments, always unforeseen, I become happy... I look at the strangers near as if I had known them all my life... everything fills me with affection... It may be an hour before the mood passes, but latterly I seem to understand that I enter upon it the moment I cease to hate."

I cannot agree more!

Reinforcing positive thoughts

This has been a good streak of connectedness for me! Two significant things to talk about. First, the Wayne Dyer chapter on "Stop Giving energy on things you don't Believe in" inspired me a whole lot! I took home some great ideas from that chapter which I want to kind of summarize.

Spiritual people express their desires freely. They are willing to ask people about what they are seeking for without feeling insecure and defensive. They are confident about themselves and their abilities. They then intend to change in a way which will lead them to what they want in their lives. They strengthen their will without letting doubts creep into their minds. They begin to accept the change passionately. Express desire - Ask people - Intend to change - Be passionate.

Do not spend energy on things you don't want. Thoughts are like money given to you freely. Spend each dollar given to you on things you like, which give you happiness. Usually people use up all their thoughts into things which make them sad and depressed and continue to complain about it. Instead, inculcate positive thoughts that increase your confidence and make you feel good about yourself. The mind is such an amazing creation. You can ask it to precisely do what you want. It can be made to feel happy in the most seemingly depressing situations, and it can also go into the other end, into cascading negative ideas to make you think that life is so bad even in situations that deserve celebration.

The idea is to stop thinking negatively. When you find yourself with a negative thought, STOP right there! Instead of the negative thought, reinforce the positive thought. "Oh my God! my work sucks" can be changed to "I am going to try to enjoy my work more". Each positive thought will reinforce change and make it a reality. This is the way to manifest what you want. When you are at a point when there is no doubt in your mind whatsoever that what you want cannot be stopped from happening, then there is nothing, absolutely nothing that can stop it from happening!

Get rid of your personal history. What has happened is over. Start this day with a clean slate. Start as if God gave you your life at this very moment with all the skills you currently have just without your memory to be able to judge and label situations and people. Take things as they come in life without ever trying to create implications for yourself.

Now to the other significant thing. It is about the Adult Study Circle the day before yesterday. The question was "Swami used to say, 'My Life is My Message'. Lately He has been saying 'Your Life is My Message'. What is your understand of this?". I had initially passed this question because I was busy listening to people and I didn't have much to say when my turn came. (I wanted to make a conscious effort to listen to people rather than think about what to say). But as people spoke, I assimilated some thoughts briefly about my answer, but the way I spoke it out stunned me. It was clearly not me, and there was no doubt about it. It was the Divinity in me that sparked! The next paragraph summarizes what it had to say.

Swami used to say His previous quote perhaps referring to people who were seeking to see the God in Him. Those that were not in His fold yet. But once we have come into His fold after having recognized His Divinity, it is now time to help people recognize the Divinity in You! After all, aren't you and He one? So isn't Our Life is His Message?

So go! Go show your Divinity to all! Act Divine, speak Divine, think Divine. YOUR Life is His Message!

Plugging into Divinity

For the the last couple of weeks have been wonderful for me. It was one of those moments when you feel connected with Divinity and you feel you can achieve anything...

I was just recovering from a phase of struggles at my workplace. Inferiority had got into me and I seemed to have stopped beleiving in myself and my abilities. Everything I did seemed to be going against how I wanted it to be...

But if I look back at those moments now, I can clearly see that it is the mind that plays the games of confidence, triumph when things go "the way you want" and of depression and cascading negative feelings when they don't. Our ever judgemental mind begins to use its prior experience and starts to put things and events together to form new opinions and assumptions even when they are not necessarily true and evident! We plan on the only result we can accept and try to work towards it constantly reminding ourselves about what things can go wrong.

I have lately been trying to convince myself to trust in my own Divinity. The chat I had with Soumya and this book by Wayne Dyer: "There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem" have helped me put things into the right perspective.

The conversation I was able to have on the night of Jan 3 with Darshan amazed me. I had never spoken like that before, but then I know why I could that evening. I remember well that I was not judgemental at all, I spoke right from my heart and most importantly, it was one of those rare moments when I did not bother to think of myself.

Well... it is easier said than done! The last couple of days were boring so to say. I have been having a sore throat threatening into a bad cough and cold. Days have been inactive and gloomy so to say. The movies like "Guru" and Harold & Kumar" I have been watching are definetely a cause. But let's see how I catch up and pull the wire around my hip into that socket of Divinity!